I am a flippin’ hot mess

hot-mess-raise-walking-disasterOne of my LIFELONG goals is to have a positive disposition about life.  I have failed miserably at this more than I have succeeded, but I strive each day for a positive outlook, no matter what the situation is.

Especially when I see a young mother of three, who lost both of her hands and feet to a terrible freak infection, show up to my CrossFit gym and kick ass- with a smile.

That is like life throwing a big ass heavy ball at you and saying, “so there, now shut up and get your mind right”.

That being said, I have had quite the challenge to my positive outlook over the last four years.

To start, just over four years ago I was told, after a stomach biopsy, that I couldn’t eat gluten any longer. I remember thinking, “what in the hell is gluten?”.  That was quickly followed up with, “Oh and no more dairy either”.  Ooook.  Got it.  So eat air, water and tree bark.  Wait, does tree bark have gluten in it?  I need to look that up.

Then, a few months ago, after being a hypochondriac and thinking I was dying of throat cancer, I was diagnosed with G.E.R.D..  Seriously.  So now I can only eat air.  I will skip the water and tree bark so it doesn’t come back up in my throat and kill my voice box and damage more tissues (besides I still need to look up if tree bark has gluten in it).  So now- no gluten, no dairy, no caffeine, (or chocolate, citrus, tomatoes..) and no f’ing alcohol.  Right.

Lastly, and hopefully the worst diagnosis I have had in my life;  I found out last week I have LUPUS.  When I first found out, I had a small pity party as some of my favorite things have become so difficult for me and I was hoping it was just a long period of body fatigue (ex: I have slowly lost the ability to lift heavy or do hard work outs without being completely knocked down for days at a time, and traveling has become harder and more taxing for me, and some terrible joint aches that make it more difficult to do things I love…just to name a few).  A teeny, tiny, small part of me was happy to hear the diagnosis.  I have had so many tests over the last year, that started in Dallas and ended here, due to low white blood cell counts and other physical symptoms, that it was at least a relief to have an answer.  It is also not too shocking.  My bio mother has LUPUS as well. I just happen to live a MUCH healthier lifestyle (sorry mom, love you).  So there was another part of me that screamed out “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”.

But here is the thing- I still have breath to breathe.  I still have my little girls to smile and laugh with, I have my husband to love.  I still have me.

So I eat a Gremlin diet (my husband thought I was a Gremlin before…now I am like the walking dead Gremlin- except I don’t eat meat).  At least I get to eat.

So I adjust my workouts.  At least I get to work out.

So I have to take naps, or vitamin shots or monitor my cell counts and take my blood pressure more than the average person.  So what?  I am still here.  I am still me.

I will have some pity party moments.  Maybe even tonight, actually ,as my husband and I did a weight lifting session in the garage this am.  But, if I get knocked down for a few days, I will do it with a smile.  Because at least I can still lift weight, since I get to choose- and some people don’t even have that choice.  I may cry too, but that is ok.  Oh and I may drink a damn glass of wine.  Too bad G.E.R.D- some things we just cheat on everyday once in a while.

Our journey is all about choices.  No, I didn’t choose Celiac, or to be Lactose intolerant, or to have G.E.R.D, or to have LUPUS- but I do get to choose what to think or how to behave in all things.  I get to choose.  What good will it do to choose to be upset, sad or pissed (I mean..you know…after a short period of adjustment…)?


So do you.

It is all a matter of perspective.  My perspective will be to focus on all the great things I can do and eat (like air and grass), rather than what I can’t do.

I am a flippin’ hot mess and I am still so very grateful.


PS- thank you Amy for your words that stuck with me;  “Girl, there isn’t anyone who is more prepared than you for something like this”.  True or not, I love you.  Looking forward to that bottle glass of wine with you next month (screw you G.E.R.D.).


7 thoughts on “I am a flippin’ hot mess

  1. Thank you so much for sharing. I am currently two months into a journey to find a diagnosis for some new health problems. I already have a thyroid disorder, anxiety and depression and now (although my rheumatologist, neurologist, and endocrinologist are still trying to figure it out) I may have Lupus or Addison’s or something like that. Anyway, it has been so difficult for me to postpone everything in my life and just wait miserably to find some sort of answer and treatment plan. But blogs like yours are a big encouragement to me. When your body doesn’t do what it’s supposed to, there is little you can control, but fortunately one thing you always have the power to do is stay positive.

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